Dating: Where Do I Start?

    I feel very inexperienced when it comes to talking about dating. Why is that? Well, I didn't really go on many dates before I got married. I went on a few in high school but that's about it. The dates I went on in high school were fun and gave me the opportunity to get to know people better. I didn't feel pressured on these dates because I viewed the dates as nothing serious. I was very open to anyone and even took the initiative to ask other guys on dates. However, after I had returned home from serving a mission, my viewpoint on dating had changed. I viewed dating as awkward and stressful because I knew that the intent of the date was to eventually see if we were compatible as marriage partners. If you knew me back then, marriage was the last thing on my mind at that point in my life. I just wanted to focus on my future career and start my college education. Dating was something I was to avoid at all costs! There were many factors that caused me to change my view on dating, but looking back on my attitude I now have a better understanding of what dating entails. But I'm sure many of you feel or have felt the same pressure on dating as well. 

    Dating is just the first part of the journey of building a relationship. There are four different stages when it comes to relationships. The first one is dating, then courtship, engagement, and then marriage. Dating is the period where we can get to know someone better and practice our interpersonal skills. Just because you went on one date with someone that doesn't mean that you have to decide right then whether or not you think they are boyfriend/girlfriend material. Getting to know someone is a process that takes time and not just a couple of hours. Unless you feel like your life could be in danger, you should be open to going on another date. You will probably realize that the more dates you go on with this person that your perception of them might change. If you want to start a solid relationship with someone, you need to know more about who they are in order to get to the next stage of courtship.

    John Van Epp, the author of "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk," created a relationship attachment model (RAM) that helps explain the development of relationships. Van Epp has five different categories in his RAM: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. 

    

    As you can see in the model posted above, know is ranked the highest and is followed by the other factors in order. Van Epp explains that all good relationships must start by being founded on how much you know the partner. The more you know the partner, the more you can start to trust and then rely on them. As you learn to rely on them, then you are in a position that you can commit to them. Then after you commit to the partner, touch can follow through in the relationship. The reason why touch should be last is due to the effect that touch can have on our perception of others. When we touch other people, our brains release a hormone called oxytocin that creates a sense of trust and connection with that person. While touching can be a bonding mechanism in relationships, it can also hinder our ability to make a fair judgment on someone that we don't really know quite yet. Kissing someone may feel nice but if the relationship is first based on touch only, then our judgment becomes biased towards that person and causes us to believe that we can rely on and commit to them despite how much we really know them. 

    When we are in the dating period of our lives, this should be our chance to focus on the "know" section of the RAM. As we get to know someone better, the more we can detect whether or not we are actually compatible with them without a clouded judgment. As I reflect on my husband and I's relationship starting from high school, I found that we actually followed the RAM. Our relationship began as acquainted friends, then a close friendship which later turned into a romantic relationship towards the end of high school. Many people are actually surprised to learn that we had never kissed until the same year we had decided to get married despite our interest in each other. I'm grateful that we withheld from kissing because it allowed our relationship to become much richer on our knowledge and trust in each other rather than just being based upon hormones.

    While go on dates can sometimes be frustrating and awkward, I believe it's worth taking the time to develop and/or enrich the connections you have with the people you go on dates with. Learn how to listen and communicate with other people to really get to know them. Even if the people you get to know through dating don't progress into a serious relationship, you are still developing the interpersonal skills you need for not only dating but for all other aspects of life.