Children: A Blessing or a Burden to Your Marriage?

    One of the hardest and most terrifying decisions I had to make was to choose whether or not I wanted to marry my husband, James. While we were engaged, I had many doubts that our marriage wouldn't last very long. Unfortunately, these doubts did not go away when we got married and continued throughout the first year of our marriage. I remember crying several times because I felt that we needed to break up but I had no valid reason why we should. During this second year of marriage, these feelings have diminished drastically. I have felt more peace and commitment to my husband. Each day I learn more about my husband and how he fits to support my weaknesses. He is the ideal partner that helps me in all aspects of my life. It's funny how that terrifying decision to marry James later turned into one of the best choices I've made. 

    However, I have realized that a harder and more terrifying decision than choosing whom to marry is deciding when to have children. It seems that almost every married couple I talk to has made a plan they agree on. I know that I don't see the whole picture of other people's marriages but it's hard when people ask us if we have decided on when we want to have children because I have no idea! I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew how to make up my mind because every time we try to have a plan, I feel anxious, pressured, and downhearted. Every plan we try to make is just another rough draft and we are back to having no plan again.

    I have a lot of concerns when it comes to having children, but one of them is the impact that they will have on our marriage. It's not surprising to me to learn from some studies report that couples admit a decrease in their marital satisfaction after having their first child. Raising a human that is completely dependent on you for all of its needs takes a lot from another human's emotional and physical needs. That time you had for your spouse becomes spread thin. You have much less time in general for the other things you did before you had a baby, including essential needs like sleep. Having a baby is a major adjustment period that puts both partners in a position of high stress which can create a "gap" in their connection. I could go on and on but I think most people get the point that raising a child (especially for the first time) is a hard thing that impacts your marriage!

    But, what if instead of viewing having children as a negative hit to your marriage, it becomes a welding link to your relationship? I'm not saying that a load of raising a child will become easier if you change your outlook on it, but what if you can take the experience of having and raising children into a growth period for your marriage? Instead of having your marital satisfaction decrease with every child, it increases because you both learn how to overcome the challenges of raising a family together. You may start to feel more admiration for your spouse because you are able to see them in a selfless and caring position to take care of your children. In the small moments you have with your spouse, you both learn to cherish this time more and talk to your spouse about their day rather than just scrolling on your phone. You can still find ways to maintain and grow your connection with your spouse despite the number of children that may come into your life. It may take a lot more effort than it used to (not saying it didn't take any effort in the first place), but it is still possible!